The Audacious Aspie Goes on the Market
Today on the Audacious Aspie, we will talk some more about the social situation of our social problems socializing (no, I am not talking about friends again). This is a topic that I have put off long enough, but alas, it has come to this. Ladies, gentlemen, hold onto your hats, seats, anything on your head or anything you are sitting on, because we are, officially, going to delve into what could possibly be described as the scariest part of the social world, dating (que HollyWood scream).
No! Not the dating scene, not again. I thought we filmed it already! No, no! NNNNOOOOOO!!
Where do we begin on our journey into the dark, passionate, warm and wet cavern that is the tunnel of love? I don't know, they gave me a map but I lost somewhere in there. God I hope we find it. Probably lose my job for this, leading a bunch of tourists without a map. Ah! Here we go, we will start light, on the https://www.carautismroadmap.org/romance-101-dating-for-adults-with-asd/ exhibition ( oh lord, if you’re up there, please do not let us see any exhibitionists). This is a site that acts as a road map for autistic adults thinking of participating in the dating scene.
The blog first starts off on the topic and were to meet them. The blog mentions that for some people, either autistic or not, “meeting people is the hardest part of dating.” (paragraph 2) Stating that while many singles go to bars to find their future significant other, it hardly works out that way. Most of the mingling happens outside the bar (was hoping to make that rhyme). This can be compounded, as I have mentioned many times before, if you are autistic yourself but, the blog hints, the bar scene is not the only scene.
Man on the right: I'm here to drink to forget my divorce. Woman in the centre: I’m here to find a date. Man on left: I’m not sure what I’m here for, drink to forget or drink to connect.
First thing’s first: Analyze your routine which could either be impossibly easy, or just impossible. Some of the hints it asks is what are your daily haunts, and by what means do you use to get there. The blog advises against dating fellow co-workers, “as romantic relationships at work are often discouraged, and sometimes even forbidden.” (paragraph 3) Why? The environment at work can get a teensy bit awkward if one person is not romantically interested in the other, or the relationship falls through for whatever for whatever reason.
Don't find anyone that strikes your fancy on your normal route? Fear not, for that merely means that you will need to different, new routes. Time to get out of your comfort zone. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right? Heh,heh...right? What are your options? The blog mentions two specific ones, online dating, the hip singles scene of the 21st century, and joining a new social group. The blog mentions that online dating sites can make it easier to “meet” someone before you actually meet that person, with information about that person's likes and dislikes readily available. Allowing you to plan what you're going to do with the persons and what to talk about, it’s like a form of legal stalking that’s mutually consensual.
Now to go online and creepily look at seductive pictures of my preferred gender, find out what makes them tick while at the same time post seductive pictures of myself and freely till other people what makes my wheels spin. It’s like being an exhibitionist and stalker rolled into one!
Like all things on the web, however, caution and safety must be practised, as not all who join such sites are looking for commitment, some are not looking for a relationship at all but rather money or worse. When you go to save the prince or princess, bringing armour and a shield is highly recommended.
Online dating not your thing? Fear not, for there are other ways to meet people, like group activities. As mentioned in both the Audacious Aspie and Car Autism Roadmap, group activities are known to be less stressful as the focus is on the activity, and not pulling teeth to get a response. That's just not fun for anyone. As an added bonus, you will be able to learn some socializing skills on what to do and what not to do by observing how others communicate. It's like a game within a game within a game! And works will with spy related events.
4. Like the triple-game tactic to use while socializing, a rubik's cube has multiple areas to work on and finish in order to “win”. Except the tactic is less time consuming and hair-pulling madness than the rubik's cube.
The Roadmap contains a list of ASD social groups itself, if you're curious. But there are other obstacles that hinder the path to romance for those with ASD, something that the newspaper, The Atlantic, did an article on. I can attest to as it is a particular tough boss to beat for me. What is probably the toughest demon to exorcise out of our love life is communication, understanding: social cues, another's perspective or even small talk and pleasantries.
Some have it worse than others though, as “some do not speak at all and have disabilities that make traditional relationships (let alone romantic ones) largely unfeasible” (paragraph 4). The article quickly mentions the many who are “high functioning” (sources quotes) on the spectrum with a “clear desire for dating and romance” (paragraph 4).
The article agrees with the Roadside blog in stating that the bar seen is not a good place for those on the spectrum to go looking for dates, interviewing a social worker who says “If it's a loud, crowded place, an individual on the spectrum may be uncomfortable or distracted” (paragraph 5). Noting correctly that our sensory issues might make some lights and sounds, like flashing, fast moving light beams or loud, chaotic music “espicially unpleasant” (paragraph 5), which is code for one of the seven levels of the underworld. Touching, sexual or not, can also raise problems. Holding hands or kissing us lightly might bring the heat, but not in the way you might want.
When we think of flashing, erratic lights, ear-splitting sounds (sirens, blare horns, music, etc.) and tons of people squished together all talking, singing, generally making noise. How long till we can leave?
The article also notes that those of us on the spectrum are often forgotten or dismissed in the world of romance, mostly because of the misconception that we cannot express our feelings for the other, equating us to robots. Which is, obviously, far from the truth. We do not express our feelings because we do not know how, not because we are devoid of them. In an interview the article has done, The Atlantic found, and I can attest to this personally, is that while we have the same capacity and desire for love, we just don't know where to find it.
It's like a backwards game of cat and mouse with cupid, where instead of him chasing us, we chase him. In a point supporting early intervention, the article claims there is ALOT of dating skills programs, or “effective ones for people on the spectrum” (paragraph 11). The article claims that while early intervention can drastically improve the outcome, we do grow up. The services in existence simply don't keep up.
UCLA PEERS,mentioned in the article and a program teaching social and romantic interaction skills to both teen and young adults with autism, promotes “ecologically valid” (paragraph 12) traits that “humans have been shown to exhibit in the reality, rather than what we are ‘supposed’to do” (paragraph 12)
In other words, we see something acted out on screen, thinking that we will do the same thing in the same situation. Then, we do something different from what was previously shown, and wish we had done the previous action instead. Not always a bad thing, as the sentence “I learned it from Charlie Sheen” normally does not win people over these days. PEERS, as recorded in The Atlantic, has found that those on the spectrum think very concretely, which runs counter to social skills that can be abstract behaviour. To read more of the article, the link description will be left on the post.
Be like the three monkeys: see no Sheen, speak no Sheen, hear no Sheen.
I have found a lot of sources on the topic of autism and dating, like a list someone made of “10 Things I Wish People Knew About Dating Someone on the Autism Spectrum”
One of the first thing the author of the article mentions, and I also personally relate, is that in the beginning, as a child, he “hated being touched” (paragraph 1). But now that he is older, he enjoys affection. In a previous statement in this post, I stated that I did not liked being touched until I was in high school, only to be told by my parents that I loved to be touched even as a child. What I don't like touching or being touched by, are children.
Heck, I don't even want kids, in the slightest. Looking after thirty of them during a two week placement during highschool cured me. Now if your thinking “will, it's a just a stage, you'll change your mind as you grow older”, someone said that to me years ago. And they are still waiting.True, I am young, but I also said that I would not take drugs, and to this day I am still clean (except, you know, medical drugs but those don't count).
Never force it upon them, or assume that since they are older they are okay with affectionate touching, or any touching at all. The first item on the author's list is to remind the reader that, like everyone else, we want to be on our own from time to time, particularly after an exciting day, helps us process what happened, to take it all in. Also really helps if we have been around people all day, then we need it to de-stress.
The article mentions eye contact point, stating that we while it might be hard for us at times, it does not mean that we are ignoring you. Nor are we deceiving you. What it means is that either we are uncomfortable or nervous about something, or we just hate making eye-contact. What you can do though is have your partner, yourself or both of you practice looking at the forehead or nose of the other person, takes away a lot of the stress, let me tell you.
Communication, communication is key in relationships. The writer of the article urges the reader to ask those on the spectrum any questions they may have, even if that person ,or the one asking the questions, have trouble communicating. Like in every relationship, communication helps end or avoid miscommunications and any issues that arise or might come. Like the big purple dinosaur in everyone's waking nightmares says “I love you, you love me/We’re a happy family/With a great big hug/And a kiss from me to you/Won’t you say you love me too?” (as found on, first result).
It is said that, if you venture near his prison, you can still hear his voice echoing off the abandoned walls, singing the songs of the forsaken. Get closer, and you can hear the wails of his victims, forced to watch his shows over and over again! Get to close, then he can see you, and I have never heard of someone escaping from there with a sane mind. If they get out at all.
Will, that's it folks. Sorry for heart attack at the end, truly he is something that must remain forgotten, hidden, alone, in the darkness. To read more of each article the links to each will be left in the blog (including the song, whatever you do, don't listen to the song. Even I only had the strength to read the lyrics.) Hopefully the next post will not be as horrifying as this one (place your bets on what is more terrifying, the topic or the nightmare at the end.) Until then, this has been the Audacious Aspie, signing off into a mental institution.
Sources used:
https://www.carautismroadmap.org/romance-101-dating-for-adults-with-asd/
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/dating-on-the-autism-spectrum/278340/
https://themighty.com/2016/06/what-i-wish-people-knew-about-dating-someone-on-the-autism-spectrum/